Bittersweet Bundle of Misery

It`s almost 3 months in Japan.

I think I like in here but somehow I do feel homesick once in a while .

I really want to go back home in summer but I don`t think I should. I don`t want to go back and not want to go back to Japan and I know many people won`t like the idea of me coming back on summer.

I should  have gone to bed now but I still want to do something before I go to bed.

I want to stay up and write a letter to my sensei. I know it`s kinda old fashion. It seems like I was a student here in Japan in late Taisho and since we have email, wrting a letter sounds too much troubles.

But I still prefer letter. I love the feeling when I pull out the letter from the envelope. Isn`t it nice?

I check my mail box everyday. I do hope that someday there would be a letter from someone very dear to me. I sent so many postcards without any hope that I would get a reply but I still sent it. I know it is pointless to continue but what else do I have to live for?  Everyday, checking mail box with this hopeless fortune, for 3 months but I have lived up till today.

I scraped out some words from my letter to avoid indicating too much feeling. I think I am a writer now doing something like this. But I like to do it. I wish I could shut down all of my feeling altogether. I don`t want nothingness but too much affection is frustrated and I hate myself when I complai about my feeling to my friends.

I have to go to bed now. I just came back from Kamakura.. I need more sleep..